What I Learned From Elaine In Life and Death

No, Not Elaine from Seinfeld!

This is the Elaine who was/is the mother of Brad.

Who is Elaine to me? I met Brad in the third grade — a long, long, long time ago. Brad and I share June 18, 1956 as the date of our birth. We played line ball in the alley back of their house. We went to both grade school and Hebrew school together. We shared a Bar Mitzvah. Elaine was in the circle of parents I knew since the time I had to look up to look into a parent’s eye.

In the early years I experienced a warm, friendly, Jewish mom who always made me feel good. She had a way about her that was welcoming. That never changed. I felt that even after Brad and I mostly lost touch after high school. I would still run into of Elaine, and her husband Shel, over the years — at stores in my old neighborhood or at the synagogue my parents continued to attend. At the High Holidays after time spent with my parents I would make the 4 row pilgrimage to visit with Elaine and Shel to hear about Brad and be asked about me and my family. My mother also considered her a good friend. Someone with whom she could share her innermost thoughts.

What I learned from Elaine in life, what stands out the most, is that while being with Elaine I would feel how genuinely happy she was to be with me. In those moments I was the most important person in her world. Her warmth was authentic and she never, as some people can do, faked sincerity. I learned at her funeral how fully she lived this way by the stories told by her son and granddaughters. They loved her as much as she loved them – deeply. One of my life goals is to have the people that I am with feel that same way, but Elaine was the very best and set a standard I aspire to but have not yet reached. (We should all aspire to this as it deepens connections to family, friends and all others in our lives.)

While I learned more about Elaine at her funeral service (that she met Shel in the first grade and had a deep knowledge of Jewish law and custom) it was the after funeral experience that touched me more. Shel and Elaine had a few years earlier moved into a high class assisted living building. The shiva was held there. Two experiences stand out for me.

I visited their new home a few hours after the service. Immediately I had a vision into what my future might hold — though hopefully not for another 20+ years! The first thing I noticed was not the age on people’s faces, I expected that. It was the walkers that also function as a chair. They were everywhere, with everyone. I walked through the common area in the direction the gazebo where the shiva was to be held. Older but active, in their way, people sat, stood or strolled – moving in and out of conversations. I was in a place of life, not a place of waiting for death, albeit life at a slower physical speed.

I am already of a certain age. I refuse to be old but am no longer young. It showed during this visit. I wandered to where I was told the gazebo would be but it was not there. After minutes of searching, I paused for a moment. A woman sitting and knitting asked if I needed help. I explained why I was there and the room I was trying to find. She informed me that I was a day early for the shiva. (I later looked at the program from the service and the date was indeed tomorrow’s. Some combination of approaching “old” and the pandemic has led to me not being aware of dates).

We then shared how we knew Elaine. She shared a story of how she found out Elaine was very ill. She shared it twice with a small pause between. As a child of dementia my mind raced to a conclusion about this woman’s mental health, but it was the last time she repeated herself. As I was about to excuse myself to leave she offered to show me where the room was. Being in no hurry and wanting to honor an elder I accompanied her to the gazebo. It was a slow walk. And yet I stayed in the moments and enjoyed the time I spent with this no longer a stranger. On my way out she shared that she would look for me tomorrow. Upon my arrival the next day, she caught my eye and said “I see you made it back”. I felt seen.

At the Shiva I met more of Elaine and Shel’s friends who shared their love of Elaine and promises to watch after Shel. These are people who may be in the later stages of their lives but are not slowing down and have not lost their humanity or love for being alive.

I am trying to figure out how I want the rest of my life to be. I have ideas and yet implementation has been slow. I worry about my current physical limitations and kvetch that I cannot do what I once could do. Elaine’s lessons to me after her death came from “bringing” me to here community –twice. Whatever I am today and whatever life throws at me, my life will be defined by what I do and how I “be”. All of that is in my control.

Thank you Elaine for the life lessons and for being a friend to my mom when she wanted and needed one. Your impact on this world – and my world– extends well past your 93 years on the planet.